Where are you God?

I want to know where you are. But You are everywhere. I hear that. I have to believe that You are watching over my every move. I have to believe that You already know the choices I'm going to make. I have to believe all of these things that people tell me to believe about You. But when You have given me the right to a free mind, how do you expect me to believe 100%?

You have created all these people who's only motive is to shove You down my throat. You have not created anyone who is willing to sit down and talk, like a human being, with someone who just isn't sure.

I hear that anyone can be saved. But I'm not sure I want to be in a place filled with born-again mass murderers for eternity. You are what you are. How can I sin and then expect You to forgive? Will I not keep sinning, only to be, once again, forgiven? Sin, forgive, sin, forgive. A vicious, never-ending cycle.

I read one of the most important things in my entire life tonight...on a church sign. Do not treat God as a lawyer. Only calling him when you are in trouble. Is this what I have done for 19 years? Just sought your help in times of need? Or has my entire life been a time of need?

I have found myself deleting paragraph after paragraph of this blog. Because I am afraid of sinning. I hope Your arms are as open as I believe them to be.

What do you mean?

It's freezing cold in my bedroom but I am savoring the time I have alone. Don't get me wrong, I love him. But I rarely have time to myself.

I have been alone for the past year, practically. And one day I had to completely change that. So I miss having some time alone.

I'm on to a completely different topic now. Last night, I finally saw Twilight. After reading the book, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to ruin my mind by seeing the movie. I did. After blanking out Robert Pattinson's horrible face...I still found myself wishing/praying/hoping for my Edward. IMDB has informed me that New Moon is already in production. As it should be, Twilight has been out almost a month and a half and the movie theater was still packed. Strangely, there were a lot more older people there than I expected.

Strangely, my best friend was there too. Didn't say hello. Didn't even mind me. As if we weren't best friends for a million years. I am okay with this, though. I know if it had been Cheryl, she wouldn't have hesitated before saying anything to me. I should have opened my eyes sooner. It wasn't her & I that ruined the trio. At least, I'm half-convinced it wasn't. Because now I believe I have evidence.

Cliff is harassing me, again. I wish I still had the voicemail he left a few months back. "I'm going to find you, & I'm going to hurt you." But I don't. I do have plenty of facebook messages though. I'm sort of glad he's not calling me. Things hurt harder when I actually hear the person's voice that's hurting me. "I'm going to kill you." I don't like getting on facebook now, though. When I sign-on and see a new Inbox message...I don't want to click it. But I know I have to or it'll eat at me. Wondering what he's said this time. I don't know why it's so hard for people to see how psycho he is. I'm glad he's going in the army. I only have one month until he leaves for basic...then hopefully I'll be free from his words for a while. I only wish it could last forever.

Besides...I'll be in Mexico in 9 days. That's all I'm thinking about.

say it isn't so...

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I am changing. I don't feel like I'm coming out of my shell. It feels more like I'm just shedding my exoskeleton. Like I will for the rest of my life. Like I'm going to be open and trusting for so long...then close back up. Vicious, life-altering cycle. I have started to look forward to it though.

I enjoy having people say they miss me. I enjoy having old friends and sometimes even old enemies try to create something new with me. I enjoy being needed. I enjoy being wanted. I enjoy being apologized to. I enjoy having people to talk to again.

I guess I enjoy attention. I'm not out looking for it, but when it finds me...I don't deny it. This doesn't necessarily make me bad, but human.

There's a lot more I would like to do in life right now that I can't bring myself to do. I have no job. I'm not going to school. And I still miss a lot of my old friends. But I am getting there and will not stop until I, myself, am happy.

I just wish I wouldn't have to close back up again. I guess I do it to protect myself and my feelings. I have been through unimaginable feelings. I may not have been put through horrible things according to you, but in my mind, they were enough to kill me.

I do try to thank God for every day I get to continue breathing. I feel as if I'm undeserving of the things that have started to come my way. And I'm not sure if I've ever met anyone else who hates herself this much.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I am changing.

if tomorrow never comes...

There's no need for an introduction, I know who I am. Most of the time.

There's a lot in my head that still needs configured and readjusted. A lot of things I've done in my past have rewired my brain into this jumbled mess of currents.

Most of the time, I'm keeping to myself. Not bothering. Not burdening. And with that lonesomeness comes a never-ending stream of thoughts. Ranging from self-doubt to self-pity. But almost always consisting of the self.

I don't know if I am fully capable of the entire spectrum of emotions anymore. I can feel pain. I can feel happy. Am I really hurting though? Am I really happy?

In the past couple years, I've noticed I can't continue crying for more than a few minutes. I am sad. But I can not cry like I used to. Does this make me stronger? Or colder? Part of me doubts that I will ever be strong enough for my own good. So I am colder. I am more withdrawn from everyday things. I would rather not put my heart and soul into anything anymore, in fear of having it fatally wounded.

I sit in my room like this lonesome little girl. Day in. Day out. Trapped. I am Trapped. But I have no one to blame but myself.