Where are you God?

I want to know where you are. But You are everywhere. I hear that. I have to believe that You are watching over my every move. I have to believe that You already know the choices I'm going to make. I have to believe all of these things that people tell me to believe about You. But when You have given me the right to a free mind, how do you expect me to believe 100%?

You have created all these people who's only motive is to shove You down my throat. You have not created anyone who is willing to sit down and talk, like a human being, with someone who just isn't sure.

I hear that anyone can be saved. But I'm not sure I want to be in a place filled with born-again mass murderers for eternity. You are what you are. How can I sin and then expect You to forgive? Will I not keep sinning, only to be, once again, forgiven? Sin, forgive, sin, forgive. A vicious, never-ending cycle.

I read one of the most important things in my entire life tonight...on a church sign. Do not treat God as a lawyer. Only calling him when you are in trouble. Is this what I have done for 19 years? Just sought your help in times of need? Or has my entire life been a time of need?

I have found myself deleting paragraph after paragraph of this blog. Because I am afraid of sinning. I hope Your arms are as open as I believe them to be.

What do you mean?

It's freezing cold in my bedroom but I am savoring the time I have alone. Don't get me wrong, I love him. But I rarely have time to myself.

I have been alone for the past year, practically. And one day I had to completely change that. So I miss having some time alone.

I'm on to a completely different topic now. Last night, I finally saw Twilight. After reading the book, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to ruin my mind by seeing the movie. I did. After blanking out Robert Pattinson's horrible face...I still found myself wishing/praying/hoping for my Edward. IMDB has informed me that New Moon is already in production. As it should be, Twilight has been out almost a month and a half and the movie theater was still packed. Strangely, there were a lot more older people there than I expected.

Strangely, my best friend was there too. Didn't say hello. Didn't even mind me. As if we weren't best friends for a million years. I am okay with this, though. I know if it had been Cheryl, she wouldn't have hesitated before saying anything to me. I should have opened my eyes sooner. It wasn't her & I that ruined the trio. At least, I'm half-convinced it wasn't. Because now I believe I have evidence.

Cliff is harassing me, again. I wish I still had the voicemail he left a few months back. "I'm going to find you, & I'm going to hurt you." But I don't. I do have plenty of facebook messages though. I'm sort of glad he's not calling me. Things hurt harder when I actually hear the person's voice that's hurting me. "I'm going to kill you." I don't like getting on facebook now, though. When I sign-on and see a new Inbox message...I don't want to click it. But I know I have to or it'll eat at me. Wondering what he's said this time. I don't know why it's so hard for people to see how psycho he is. I'm glad he's going in the army. I only have one month until he leaves for basic...then hopefully I'll be free from his words for a while. I only wish it could last forever.

Besides...I'll be in Mexico in 9 days. That's all I'm thinking about.